I need a mommy too and the thigh rub story.

Every single day I give my children pearls of wisdom so that they will keep them for a life time. Every day I repeat myself so they don't forget these important  lessons, these house rules, these characteristics I so badly want them to have in their lives.
After I decided to buckle down and get on the fit train for 30 days before I turn thirty I started to go over what I can and cannot do daily and what "rules" I need to set for myself. I even wrote them down and bought a book (picture below)

 I really have valued during this time. So my list was so simple, it was the same things I have been harping at my children about but have conveniently forgotten to do. I am the living hypocrite of "do what I say not what I do". How can I have them listen, if the rules do not apply to me as well, their adult role model in life?

MY HOUSE RULES I REPEAT REPEATEDLY EVERYDAY:
 "No juice you need more water."
"No more sugar you had enough already."
"No snacking before meals, you'll fill up on the wrong thing."
"You can have dessert if you eat everything at a dinner first so you don't eat too much sugar."
"Go play outside if your bored."
"No, you cannot stay up later, you will have no energy tomorrow."
"No you cannot have a snake this late, its almost bedtime."

These are all awesome life rules that I somehow remember to pass on but don't value enough to follow. I mean really, what the hell? I drink more sweet juices and teas than I need, I obsess over candy but always unwrap it very carefully so their superhero ears don't hear the wrapper. I snack constantly while making dinner and then still eat a large portion, its just unnecessary calories, I eat dessert even if I didn't fill up on protein or veggies first. I don't go outside to play or exercise near enough. I will stay up later than I need to, just to have time to myself. I snack late at night as comfort and a wind down routine which is becoming very dangerous.

If I followed my own rules I would be in a much better place. So my goal for this week as well as last is to stop and follow my "rules'. I wish I had a super nanny or mommy following me around telling me to "stop it", or "put that down", but that is life and we have to grow up and leave the nest to sink or swim. These rules could make all the difference. My kids will also be glad that I am "suffering" as they call it with them.

 The infamous thigh rub story following up to my desire for the thigh gap.

It never concerned me before but then came our trip to the Mexican Riveria. We were walking on the shoreline about 2 miles and the waves were crashing up on our legs and with that water is a mixture of sand. After awhile my inner thighs were irritated and I kept stopping to rinse them off as best I could but the water kept spraying on us with sand and it became unbearably painful with each step that my thighs rubbed together just scratching me  by the time we got back to the resort I have rubbed my inner thigh raw ans bloody. This is not an exaggeration for good story telling it was bloody, like put a washcloth on it and blood on the washcloth kind of injury.. A couple days later they started to heal and scab in these depressing little scratch marks from vag to mid thigh. I could not believe I had gotten to the point of where my FAT literally injured me and I hadn't noticed the weight gain before this point. This is a humiliating story for me to tell. I really feel like I am the only one this has ever happened too, I have never heard of a story like it but I'm sure it has happened before. So this is the story of why I want so badly a thigh gap like I used to have and the courage to brave the ocean with no fear. 

Now on to less bloody posting.

Current weight-158.6
 Its period week or I at least hope to God it is and I really hope a couple pounds are some extra water weight. It is hard not to feel discouraged of staying under my calorie allotment everyday and working out and not seeing progress. I have been doing incline and a ton of situps so it is very possible that I have replaced some fat weight with muscle weight. This is one reason I F***ing hate the scale. That damn number messes with my head.
Also I love my flip flop tan line and I miss them when they are gone for winter. Yes, I know that is a weird thing to love.